Perry/Smith talks break down - both parties to remain too injured to play for Australia

The standoff between Ellyse Perry and Steve Smith over who has the greater claim to being too injured to play for Australia is set to continue after negotiations between the pair broke down late last night. A spokeslawyer for Perry, who has been ruled out of both the T20 and ODI series against New Zealand with a hamstring injury, rejected the Smith team’s so-called ‘ladies first’ proposal, as to which of the two cricketing superstars would return to national colours first, counter-proposing instead that ... (more)

Lanning shows off new bionic shoulder

Cybernetically augmented Australia look to increase world dominance

Unwilling to rest on their T20 laurels after their World Cup victory in March, the Australian women’s cricket team have revealed that the upcoming series against New Zealand will see them field the most technologically enhanced team in cricket history. Captain Meg Lanning, whose upgraded bionic shoulders are now capable of deadlifting more than 3000kg, rattled through her teammates’ cyborg implants. “Rachael: pogo legs, Ash: infrared vision, Pez: dispenses small pellets of candy, Georgia: Bluetooth speaker in her larynx, ... (more)

Dhoni confident his run-chasing approach ‘now knows no boundaries’

In a press conference following the Chennai Super Kings defeat to the Rajasthan Royals, skipper MS Dhoni skilfully frustrated journalists by liberally employing the double meaning of the phrase ‘no boundaries’. The experienced Dhoni, who batted at 7 in the pursuit of the Royals’ 216/7, eschewing any scoring shot other than singles until the final over, used his masterful wordplay to toy with his critics. In one memorable exchange, he explained his delayed hitting as a fervent desire to ‘push back the boundaries on pushing back boundaries’ ... (more)

Smith ruled out of third ODI after being struck on head by anvil

Former captain wanders into Road Runner cartoon by mistake

Steve Smith’s run of bad luck in England continues, with the champion batter suffering yet another concussion, this time after an anvil fell on his head. Smith, who accidentally found himself inside a Road Runner cartoon that David Warner was watching, has been ruled out of the deciding match in the series as a precaution… ... (more)

Victory jaw snatchings up 250% over past two years, cricketing crime statistics reveal

Tourists to England, a sleepy island nation to the north of Europe, are being urged to not keep their victories inside the jaws of defeat after a shocking new report has revealed a spate of snatchings of the former from the latter since early 2019. The burglaries, long believed to be the work of a single master thief - ‘Big’ Ben Stokes - are now thought to have deeper roots among the cricketing underbelly. Despite this, nation mascot Boris Johnson sought to play down the rash of robberies, pointing the finger instead at victims of the crimes. “For every victory that is snatched from the jaws of defeat, there is a defeat snatched from the jaws of victory,” asserted the buffoonish ... (more)

Lyon ‘accidentally’ left behind in Southampton/Old Trafford bubble switch confusion

Forgotten off spinner immediately engages in Home Alone parody

An intra-squad hide and seek tournament gone wrong has resulted in a key member of the Australian team being left behind in Southampton. Nathan Lyon, coiled deep within the dressing room coffee machine, was operating under the belief that he had somehow evaded Adam Zampa’s search for nineteen hours. But little did the Test off-spinner realise that ... (more)

Mitch Marsh secures number one T20I ranking for Australia, entire nation dreams

“I had the craziest dream last night,” hundreds of thousands of Australians tried to tell their partners, friends and designated pandemic intimate partners over breakfast early Wednesday morning. ... (more)

Rest of Australian team convince Labuschagne to pronounce it 'coro-NAVI-rus'

Building on their previous success at convincing the South African-born number three to mispronounce his own name, senior members of the Australian team have now reportedly brainwashed Marnus Labuschagne into mangling the term 'coronavirus'. "It's 'CORO', like 'FOMO'," explained Labuschagne to a befuddled press corps. "Then 'navi', like, y'know, the army with boats. And then 'rus', like the shortened version for 'kangaroos' ... (more)

Bucket of balls left on top of visitors’ dressing room door by Stuart Broad falls, traps Warner LBW

Despite not being part of the England white ball squad, veteran seamer Stuart Broad has still had an impact on the upcoming series against Australia. Renowned prankster Broad managed to continue his 2019 Ashes form against Australian opener David ... (more)

T20 series slept through by Australian fans, cricketers

Visitors, coincidentally, down 0-2

Citing a total lack of interest in a series that takes place during the middle of the Australian night, the three match T20 series between England and Australia has been met with utter indifference by even the most otherwise committed of Australian supporters and players. “Mate, I’ve been fast asleep through the entire thing,” reported Cricket Australia Gold Fan™ Sarah Sharpe, 35, of Brisbane and Australian all-rounder Marcus Stoinis. In stark contrast, England fans and players ... (more)

Kyle The Covid-Conscious Koala explains bubble restrictions to Australian middle order

Australian coach Justin Langer had a helpful assistant join him during his three hour long meeting with some of Australia's most explosive batters to discuss the quarantine processes in place during their tour of England. ... (more)

Routine saliva swab sees Finch test positive for gum

In a massive blow for the Australians' chances of defeating England in the upcoming white ball series against the oldest enemy, captain Aaron Finch has tested positive for chewing gum. Finch, who reported to team medical staff with symptoms of a persistent sensation of 'bubbles in his mouth' underwent a ... (more)

Big Hitting Lower Order Smurf makes career smurfiest score of 83 not smurfed to put Smurferset in control

Exclusive extract from 'Wisden for Smurfs'

On a smurfy day in Smurferset, Leicestersmurf smurfed the toss and elected to smurf. Seam Bowler Smurf opened the bowling for Smurferset and smurfed the conditions smurfingly. At lunch, Leicestersmurf were 51/6 but a smurfing century from First Drop Smurf saw them recover to 204 all smurfed ... (more)