Cricket Australia to sue Virat Kohli’s unborn child

Board to seek punitive damages against 'fiscally irresponsible embryo'

The announcement that Indian captain Virat Kohli will return to India on paternity leave after the First Test against Australia has left Cricket Australia with ‘no choice’ but to take ‘tough legal action’ against the yet-to-be-born infant, according to spokesperson for the board, Tim Paine. “In a year as tough as 2020, this kind of callous disregard for the financial impact of his father’s absence from such an important series is, frankly, selfish beyond imagining," he went on to say. “I mean, I know he's (Kohli) your dad but you can't seriously like him" ... (more)

ICC Threatens to Turn Car Around If Samuels and Stokes Don’t Stop Fighting

A fed up International Cricket Council has threatened to turn the car around and head straight home if Marlon Samuels and Ben Stokes don’t stop fighting. “I don’t care who started it,” the ICC was heard to tell the squabbling cricketers. “Just stop arguing!” Reports that Samuels responded to the furious ICC with an insolent salute have yet to be ... (more)

IPL to Rebrand as ‘Tournament of Super Overs’

Following the extraordinary double header last weekend where both matches ended in super overs - including a tied super over that begat yet another super over - sources inside the IPL have hinted at fresh plans to reimagine the tournament so that it consists of nothing but the social media-friendly tie breakers. “A Super Over is 1/20th of a T20 match,” revealed one official. “Which means we can get as many as 8 or 9 matches played on any given evening. As you might imagine ... (more)

Xbox Cricket DLC Allows Jofra Archer Character To Exchange Warner Dismissal For ‘Precious Glimpse of Humanity’

Xbox UK has confirmed that the latest update to the Cricket 19 game unlocks a mini-game in which the Jofra Archer character can send tweets to major corporations online, negotiating how many wickets he needs to take in order to be released from the digital confines of the game. “This is an AI breakthrough,” revealed Big Ant Studios, creators of the game, who were keen to stress that ... (more)

ECB Excel glitch leads to almost 16,000 Test runs for Cook going unreported

Updated figures sees former England captain recognised as ‘easily the greatest run scorer of all time’

Sir Alastair Cook, the former England Test captain, has reacted modestly to the revelation that rather than the 12,472 Test runs he believed he retired with, he in fact accumulated more than 28,000 in his impressive career. The ECB admitted to the missing runs late last night, blaming the error on a botched import process in the Microsoft Excel spreadsheet that they’d used ... (more)

Perry/Smith talks break down - both parties to remain too injured to play for Australia

The standoff between Ellyse Perry and Steve Smith over who has the greater claim to being too injured to play for Australia is set to continue after negotiations between the pair broke down late last night. A spokeslawyer for Perry, who has been ruled out of both the T20 and ODI series against New Zealand with a hamstring injury, rejected the Smith team’s so-called ‘ladies first’ proposal, as to which of the two cricketing superstars would return to national colours first, counter-proposing instead that ... (more)

Dhoni confident his run-chasing approach ‘now knows no boundaries’

In a press conference following the Chennai Super Kings defeat to the Rajasthan Royals, skipper MS Dhoni skilfully frustrated journalists by liberally employing the double meaning of the phrase ‘no boundaries’. The experienced Dhoni, who batted at 7 in the pursuit of the Royals’ 216/7, eschewing any scoring shot other than singles until the final over, used his masterful wordplay to toy with his critics. In one memorable exchange, he explained his delayed hitting as a fervent desire to ‘push back the boundaries on pushing back boundaries’ ... (more)

Lanning shows off new bionic shoulder

Cybernetically augmented Australia look to increase world dominance

Unwilling to rest on their T20 laurels after their World Cup victory in March, the Australian women’s cricket team have revealed that the upcoming series against New Zealand will see them field the most technologically enhanced team in cricket history. Captain Meg Lanning, whose upgraded bionic shoulders are now capable of deadlifting more than 3000kg, rattled through her teammates’ cyborg implants. “Rachael: pogo legs, Ash: infrared vision, Pez: dispenses small pellets of candy, Georgia: Bluetooth speaker in her larynx, ... (more)

Smith ruled out of third ODI after being struck on head by anvil

Former captain wanders into Road Runner cartoon by mistake

Steve Smith’s run of bad luck in England continues, with the champion batter suffering yet another concussion, this time after an anvil fell on his head. Smith, who accidentally found himself inside a Road Runner cartoon that David Warner was watching, has been ruled out of the deciding match in the series as a precaution… ... (more)

Victory jaw snatchings up 250% over past two years, cricketing crime statistics reveal

Tourists to England, a sleepy island nation to the north of Europe, are being urged to not keep their victories inside the jaws of defeat after a shocking new report has revealed a spate of snatchings of the former from the latter since early 2019. The burglaries, long believed to be the work of a single master thief - ‘Big’ Ben Stokes - are now thought to have deeper roots among the cricketing underbelly. Despite this, nation mascot Boris Johnson sought to play down the rash of robberies, pointing the finger instead at victims of the crimes. “For every victory that is snatched from the jaws of defeat, there is a defeat snatched from the jaws of victory,” asserted the buffoonish ... (more)

Lyon ‘accidentally’ left behind in Southampton/Old Trafford bubble switch confusion

Forgotten off spinner immediately engages in Home Alone parody

An intra-squad hide and seek tournament gone wrong has resulted in a key member of the Australian team being left behind in Southampton. Nathan Lyon, coiled deep within the dressing room coffee machine, was operating under the belief that he had somehow evaded Adam Zampa’s search for nineteen hours. But little did the Test off-spinner realise that ... (more)

Mitch Marsh secures number one T20I ranking for Australia, entire nation dreams

“I had the craziest dream last night,” hundreds of thousands of Australians tried to tell their partners, friends and designated pandemic intimate partners over breakfast early Wednesday morning. ... (more)

Rest of Australian team convince Labuschagne to pronounce it 'coro-NAVI-rus'

Building on their previous success at convincing the South African-born number three to mispronounce his own name, senior members of the Australian team have now reportedly brainwashed Marnus Labuschagne into mangling the term 'coronavirus'. "It's 'CORO', like 'FOMO'," explained Labuschagne to a befuddled press corps. "Then 'navi', like, y'know, the army with boats. And then 'rus', like the shortened version for 'kangaroos' ... (more)

Bucket of balls left on top of visitors’ dressing room door by Stuart Broad falls, traps Warner LBW

Despite not being part of the England white ball squad, veteran seamer Stuart Broad has still had an impact on the upcoming series against Australia. Renowned prankster Broad managed to continue his 2019 Ashes form against Australian opener David ... (more)