Mitch Marsh secures number one T20I ranking for Australia, entire nation dreams

“I had the craziest dream last night,” hundreds of thousands of Australians tried to tell their partners, friends and designated pandemic intimate partners over breakfast early Wednesday morning. ... (more)

Rest of Australian team convince Labuschagne to pronounce it 'coro-NAVI-rus'

Building on their previous success at convincing the South African-born number three to mispronounce his own name, senior members of the Australian team have now reportedly brainwashed Marnus Labuschagne into mangling the term 'coronavirus'. "It's 'CORO', like 'FOMO'," explained Labuschagne to a befuddled press corps. "Then 'navi', like, y'know, the army with boats. And then 'rus', like the shortened version for 'kangaroos' ... (more)

Bucket of balls left on top of visitors’ dressing room door by Stuart Broad falls, traps Warner LBW

Despite not being part of the England white ball squad, veteran seamer Stuart Broad has still had an impact on the upcoming series against Australia. Renowned prankster Broad managed to continue his 2019 Ashes form against Australian opener David ... (more)

Kyle The Covid-Conscious Koala explains bubble restrictions to Australian middle order

Australian coach Justin Langer had a helpful assistant join him during his three hour long meeting with some of Australia's most explosive batters to discuss the quarantine processes in place during their tour of England. ... (more)

T20 series slept through by Australian fans, cricketers

Visitors, coincidentally, down 0-2

Citing a total lack of interest in a series that takes place during the middle of the Australian night, the three match T20 series between England and Australia has been met with utter indifference by even the most otherwise committed of Australian supporters and players. “Mate, I’ve been fast asleep through the entire thing,” reported Cricket Australia Gold Fan™ Sarah Sharpe, 35, of Brisbane and Australian all-rounder Marcus Stoinis. In stark contrast, England fans and players ... (more)

Routine saliva swab sees Finch test positive for gum

In a massive blow for the Australians' chances of defeating England in the upcoming white ball series against the oldest enemy, captain Aaron Finch has tested positive for chewing gum. Finch, who reported to team medical staff with symptoms of a persistent sensation of 'bubbles in his mouth' underwent a ... (more)

"You couldn't even kidnap U2's guitarist, you're so bad at taking Edges"

Australians spend entire flight to England workshopping convoluted sledge around England's poor slips catching

The Australian white ball squad landed in England exchanging enthusiastic and elbow-based high fives after an extended inflight brainstorming session finally saw them crack a tortuous piece of stadium rock-inspired mental disintegration. Wearing masks to hide their self-satisfied smirks, the comedy brains trust ... (more)

Big Hitting Lower Order Smurf makes career smurfiest score of 83 not smurfed to put Smurferset in control

Exclusive extract from 'Wisden for Smurfs'

On a smurfy day in Smurferset, Leicestersmurf smurfed the toss and elected to smurf. Seam Bowler Smurf opened the bowling for Smurferset and smurfed the conditions smurfingly. At lunch, Leicestersmurf were 51/6 but a smurfing century from First Drop Smurf saw them recover to 204 all smurfed ... (more)

Marvel fanboys slam Anderson over Roman numeral milestone tweet celebrating 600 Test wickets

James Anderson's long history of using Roman numerals to celebrate landmarks on social media backfired on Thursday when fans of the Marvel Cinematic Universe mistook his tweet celebrating 600 Test wickets as praise for long-time rivals DC ... (more)

Pre-Recorded Booing Causes Controversy

Angry Barmy Army infantry have accused the ECB of 'betraying English cricket' after the abusive background atmosphere procured for the upcoming T20 and ODI series against Australia was revealed to have been sourced from a 2017 Brisbane crowd. "Are you trying to tell me that we've never matched the foul-mouthed abuse of the Gabba!?" fumed a Mr Brian ... (more)

EXCLUSIVE! The stunning secret behind Buttler's recent batting form

The devil-may-care batting approach of England's wicketkeeper Jos Buttler may have taken a staggering turn for the literal if the new symbols spied on the handle of his bat are to be believed. Keen-eyed viewers during the second Test between England and Pakistan spotted the ICC-endorsed pentagram insignia ... (more)

Channel Seven cricket broadcasting Patreon adds stickers, coffee mugs as stretch goals

Having successfully reached their initial target of 50 subscribers to their Patreon page, Channel Seven have offered further incentives to Australian fans keen to help them crowdfund their coverage of the 2020/21 cricketing summer. “Check out these boss stickers,” enthused Ricky Ponting on the embedded video. “We’ll make them available to all supporters at Flem Level and above once we reach $500/month. And if we reach $750/month then ... (more)

Ironic Father’s Day gift purchases of SW23 fragrance generates unironic Warne windfall

“Ha ha ha,” tens of thousands of Australian Chemist Warehouse shoppers laughed, as they purchased SW23, the signature Shane Warne fragrance, as a gift for their father this upcoming Father’s Day. “Dad’s going to smell like Shane Warne.” The hilarity of the moment only escalated as the one-tap payment sped through the Australian banking system, where it would eventually be divvied up by accountants in such a way that Warne’s immense wealth would be boosted even further. “This is sooooo funny,” those purchasers thought ... (more)

Discussion with Ashwin about mankads went 'smoothly', reports Ponting

After 'spirited debate', new Delhi Capitals coach Ricky Ponting has agreed to allow the Indian spinner to continue dismissing batters by this method ... (more)

CPL lures players into COVID bubble with Tenet promises

The Caribbean Premier League is reported to have pledged as many as seventeen screenings per day of the long-delayed new film from director Christopher Nolan ... (more)

OPINION: Given the awfulness of the year 2020, cricket was wise to rebrand its shortest form

Although obviously this is just T20 hindsight (more)

ICC continue to pretend that World Test Championship points matter

Vow to maintain pretence 'for as long as India are on top of the table' (more)

Panesar concerned Ageas Bowl might overflow

Ground staff issue statement confirming it's 'not that kind of bowl' (more)

'Chaotic UAE IPL' revealed to be integral part of cryptic crossword clue about Rocky supporting character

'Slips too deep' says Holding

After listening in on several sessions' worth of discussion of quantum physics, the writings of Marcel Proust and the impact of moral relativism on the foundations of religion, Sky commentator and former West Indies fast bowling legend Michael Holding has slammed the Pakistan slips cordon for being 'too deep' ... (more)

NZ fan unable to be shaken from inexplicable claim that Gavin Larsen is greatest cricketer in history


In the latest instalment of our detailed expose of the devastation inflicted on cricketing databases the world over by South Africa's foray into 3 Team Cricket last month, we talk to a systems engineer at CricViz who reveals how the addition of an extra team tested his SQL skills 'to the limit' ... (more)

Warne spends entire commentary stint monologuing about who Zak Crawley looks like

'Maybe Huckleberry Hound?' muses the champion leg spinner (more)