Betting Guide to the Australian 2018/19 Cricket Summer

Posted in Other
at 2018.11.06
With 9 Comments

There’s some kind of horse race on today. But sensible cricket fans don’t care about that. Instead, here’s your betting guide to the Australian 2018/19 cricket summer.

Best Solution ($11) – A careful and detailed analysis by the selectors of Sheffield Shield form (AND NOTHING ELSE, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY!) reveals that the best solution to shoring up Australia’s middle order is to select a couple of brothers with excellent lineage who are worth giving an extended run in the Australian side.

The ClipsofMaher ($17) – As Fox Cricket’s Cricket Legends grows increasingly short of former Australian superstars to interview, Crash Craddock spends half an hour showing clips of Jimmy Maher and talking to a bewildered pool cleaner.

Magic Circle ($7.50) – Team mates grow increasingly concerned about Glenn Maxwell when he starts referring to the infield where he prowls during the opposition’s first ten overs as his ‘magic circle’. But then relax when he also refers to his second ball duck, caught at deep point reverse-sweeping Dale Steyn, by the exact same name.

Justin Langer is one of the best bets for the 2018/19 summer

Justin Langer is one of the best bets for the 2018/19 summer

Chestnut Coat ($67) – Tim Paine shows up to the toss for the Boxing Day Test not in his captain’s jacket, but instead in a coat made from chestnuts, after a traditional Christmas Day prank goes wrong. When questioned about whether the tradition of Christmas Day pranks is actually a thing, Justin Langer explains that performing pranks on loved ones on Christmas Day is very much the Australian way as he knows it.

Punta-haa! ($12) – Ricky Ponting’s stint as host of Channel 7’s cricket coverage turns out to be an elaborate smokescreen for a new seven hour-long comedy show in the style of Nanette. It is rather less critically acclaimed.

Sound Check ($34) – Chasing 280 in a T20 against India and unluckily 7/32 after 11 overs, Travis Head sensibly feigns that he can’t hear the furious questions the commentary team is asking him.

Who Shot TheUsman ($41) – A fully fit Usman Khawaja returns to the Australia side full of so much energy and enthusiasm that one of the team’s medical staff is forced to shoot him with a tranquiliser dart for his own damn good.

Eight’s High ($67) – When Australia are dismissed for just 39 in the first innings of the Second Test against Sri Lanka, coach Justin Langer looks on the bright side, praising Shaun Marsh’s excellent top score of 8, which, ‘given the tricky batting conditions, was worth at least a half-century’. Sri Lanka resume on Day Two at 0/283.

Marmalade ($13) – On a flat Adelaide Oval, Virat Kohli spends all of Day Two turning the Australian bowling attack into marmalade. On Day Three, he then turns them into tzatziki, because that’s just how much control he has over his game.

ABilious ($13) – Following a collapse of 10/41 in the First Test against Sri Lanka, a disgusted Allan Border goes on an extended rant in the Fox Cricket commentary box before hobbling out to the middle in the second innings to open the batting with a bemused and terrified Matt Renshaw.

YouKatich ($6.50) – The catchphrase of ‘Bring Back the Kat’ takes new form in a new Channel 7 reality TV show where die hard fans of Simon Katich attempt to track down the former Australian batsman and convince him to return to national duty. Katich successfully escapes his dogged pursuers.

Ausvray ($101) – Following a poor start to the summer which sees them lose series to South Africa (ODIs), India (T20s), India (ODIs) and India (Tests), Australia cancel their Test matches against Sri Lanka for a four day game against a Ray Hadley Invitational XI. They lose by an innings and 284 runs.

Finch ($21) – Despite unluckily losing every match as T20 and ODI captain, Aaron Finch is sounded out for the roles of Test captain, Chairman of Cricket Australia, and Director of Wrigley’s Pre-Chewed Gum Division.

Red Cardinal ($41) – Flame-haired leg-spinning sensation Lloyd Pope is promised a Test debut in the Sydney Test on the proviso that he accepts a downgrade and name-change to Lloyd Cardinal. He refuses.

Vengeur Marnus ($81) – After controversially being omitted for the first Test of the summer, Marnus Labuschagne vows vengeance on the selectors, who he declares to be ‘a cowardly and superstitious lot’. He adopts the masked identity of ‘Vengeur Marnus’, fighting tirelessly for cricketing justice for the selectorial downtrodden.

Ace Ventura Storm ($34) – The Australian cricket team splits down the middle when a simple interview question about ‘Favourite Movie’ sees Josh Hazlewood plump for Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, with Pat Cummins sticking to his guns that Ace Venture 2: When Nature Calls is the superior flick.

A Prince Of All Ran ($21) – From out of nowhere, Justin Langer decrees that the key to winning cricket matches is the number of all run fours a team can muster in an innings and devotes a hundred percent of training time to mastering this skill. Excellent news for co-vice-captain Mitchell Marsh, who the official team statistician eventually declares the fastest and handsomest in the team and the Prince of All Ran.

Nakeeta ($101) – See Rostropovich

Sir Charles Bannerman Road ($81) – A four-part Fox Cricket documentary on the career of Test cricket’s first century-maker and holder of the record for the highest percentage of runs in a completed innings inspires Australia’s newest prime minister (Chris Hemsworth) to rename the Pacific Highway after him.

Zacada ($101) – See Rostropovich

Runaway ($51) – Three-nil down after three Tests against India, Australia are left with no choice but to run away. They bump into one another like Keystone Cops and are easily rounded up and shuttled to the SCG for the Fourth Test.

Youngstarc ($15) – A nation rejoices when Alyssa Healy returns from a successful Women’s World T20 Tournament and reveals that she is pregnant. The child’s truly outstanding lineage sees it earmarked for fast-tracking into the national side by ‘no later than 2031’.

Cross Counter ($9) – Industrial action by furious scorers during Australia’s third ODI against South Africa sees the visiting team awarded victory by ‘stacks of’ runs with ‘I dunno, a hundred?’ balls remaining.

Rostropovich ($21) – The Boxing Day Test sees three debutants in the Australian top six. But the selections meet with controversy when poorly fitted wigs leads a pair of dedicated journalists to discover that Steve Nakeeta, David Zacada and Cameron Rostropovich are, in fact, Australia’s suspended trio of batsmen. A cultural review is immediately called for by Cricket Australia Chairman Len Pascoe, while Justin Langer declares it a display of ‘elite deception’.

Place your bets, cricket tragics. And, remember, always watch Australian cricket responsibly.

Of course, what all this talk about odds reminds me of is The Truth Behind Allegations of Spot-Fixing Fixing, an excerpt from my book, The Instant Cricket Library (and simultaneously an excerpt from See Spot-Fixing Run, An Introduction to the Fun, Excitement and Criminal Underbelly of Spot-Fixing. Don’t think about it too much, it’s just how the book works).

Here’s an excerpt from that excerpt:

Needless to say, as the betting market on allegations of spot-fixing has matured, many journalists have been approached to ‘fix’ their writing about the allegations. And unfortunately for some, the temptation has proven too hard to resist.

To many cricket writing fans, this seems difficult to believe. Why would these wealthy journalists, some of whom probably earn millions for a single stint doing ball-by-ball blogs for the IPL, risk everything to fix their piece on allegations of spot-fixing?

Sadly, the ‘rock star’ lifestyle of the modern cricket writer isn’t enough for many of these individuals. Being rewarded handsomely for one’s ability to write about hitting a cricket ball may look like a dream come true for cricket writing fans around the world. But the free time, hotel lifestyle and enormous incomes can so often lure talented cricket writers into an insidious world of hard partying, drug use and podcasting.

Once they’ve trodden this path, the corrupted cricket writers have left themselves open to illegal betting syndicates blackmailing them into doing their bidding. And that’s where the opportunity to fix an allegation of spot-fixing arises.

You can read the rest (and dozens more) in my book, The Instant Cricket Library.

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